Sand in My Chips...

A Very Hairy Christmas to everyone!

Fri, 25 Dec 2009 16:56:11 GMT

(Images ganked from all over the place)

This is how messed up I can be...

Wed, 23 Dec 2009 00:00:55 GMT

The other day a guy on one of the dating sites I lurk on every now and then hit me up. The way he wrote it, made him sound self congratulatory, that he felt most guys had their heads up their asses and that he was basically challenging me to disprove his supposition.

Well... needless to say, this all struck me very poorly and I basically told him so. Politely. But I did tell it to him pretty much like I mentioned it here just now and I added a thanks for the curiosity and a no thank you. I didn't want to give him any of the responses that I felt he was expecting, if not demanding, and to tell him to bugger off.

This morning as I thought about it, I was pained with guilt. Fear that I over reacted or completely mistook his intent and slapped him down for it. Now if he would have outright been a total ass wipe I wouldn't have suffered this self flagellation.

So now that I've mentioned this... I might as well include his original message and my response. I am opening myself for all the criticism I may or may not be in for by doing so, but I just need a reality check. Was I an over reactive doofus and/or ass wipe myself or was I spot on?

Him: HEY! I want to get to know you! As with all potential beginnings...all that can be done is for opportunity to present itself. In this case....I'm tossing it (the opportunity) out there. Now...it's up to you to either take advantage and discover just what this opportunity might prove to be. Or you can ignore it & me. I've been doing the whole Man 'into' Men, trying to find the few, rare, actually cool guy(s) thing much longer than you have. I know what to expect. I just happen to have my head farther out of my ass, than do most. That makes me Not the same as most. I'm simply curious as to how much you are / aren't like 'most'. So....Ball - Your court.

Me: You know, that's a really odd and somewhat self congratulatory way of making an introduction. Essentially you're challenging me to not be like everyone else who apparently all have their heads up their collective asses, according to what you wrote. I'm not going to just ignore the opportunity you have to offer and such, but I will say that I appreciate the curiosity and no thank you.

Have I erred on the side of stupidity and rudeness or should I shut up already?

A little self promotion...

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 05:56:47 GMT

I finally both got to a point where I felt that my tattoo had come far enough to share and where I felt like horsing around with the camera, running back and forth with the self timer and all that, to take these pics. Being as such... a point and shoot set to "auto" and with all the things that can go wrong, I did manage to get a few salvageable pics, I think. To dress up some of the blurrier shots and all that, this also gave me an excuse to sit down and learn how to fake a Holga camera a little. It's kinda fun.

From My tattooed arm

The Horribly Slow Murderer with the Extremely Inefficient Weapon

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 01:25:43 GMT

It's ten arduous minutes that you'll never get back, but it's worth every second of it.

I live in the past

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 05:45:17 GMT

Ever have an epiphany?

A moment in your life that was so full of clarity and meaning that it defined that particular moment forever in your mind? Perhaps even changing everything from that point on?

I've been struggling to think of anything in my life that I feel might even come close and I'm coming up wanting. Either that or those moments are truly overshadowed by the pain in my past that I can't easily see them or give them their due.

Instead, I remember the painful moments. Those are what come to my mind first. And that bothers me.

I remember things like throwing up for the week before I went in to basic training for the army. That was the week after I graduated high school and I had no other options or couldn't think of any.

I remember when my mother turned to me in tears pleading for me to never cause the pain to my parents that my older brother had done.

I remember when the man who claimed me to be his slave yet never truly meant it, suffered a stroke. I held it together until I was alone and then I wailed and screamed at the universe.

I remember when that event was eerily repeated when someone else I was later growing to care deeply for was disabled by side effect of brain surgery.

I remember the nearly continual feeling of persecution and of being preyed upon all throughout school.

There have been good things in my life too of course. I don't want anyone to think that my life has been utterly miserable, but why is it that I let these painful moments come first to my mind so readily? Why do I exist there?

I've mentioned before how I believe it's a miserable feeling to not have a clear path in my life, to not have a goal or a sense of purpose. I do have my ideas and desires but I lack the motivation to try or to overcome my fears. Or... either those ideas are truly my bliss or I'm just not ready. I can't tell.

D. All of the above?

If I live in the past, I dream a little too much of the future. So I miss what's here in front of me right now. Where's the three way scale to balance all of this out? I believe and accept the tenant that we are the sum total of our experiences. What has happened to us, and the choices we've made have brought us to where and who we are now. Likewise, at least some of the time, it has been our hopes and dreams that have enabled us to keep trying, even through the times when maybe it was all we could do just to tread water and keep from going under. But the warnings of living too much for the future exist just as much as remaining in the past do.

And here I sit. Essentially staring at the walls again because I've lost my momentum again. It's weird because I recognize these things as signs of depression and while I get into my brooding or listless moods, I have been feeling more present with several of my friends and more aware of small and special moments here and there. There's a disconnect happening but I can't seem to observe it directly. It's like a black hole... I can only infer its existence indirectly by seeing how things around it are being affected by its presence.

I've often wondered just what it's going to ultimately take to wake me up. Will it be a near death experience like what many people have experienced or a slow and gradual and potentially messy self examination? Or something simpler like a lot of really satisfying sex?

Hm. It strikes me that this is the equivalent of cud at best. I guess it's just what's on my mind after an odd week of being a little more testy off and on than usual for no discernible cause.

...meh.

Ganked from the 'net

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 13:52:44 GMT

I dunno... "PowerMen" like the title says, or *gasp* "Clutch my pearls"?!

Projects

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 19:09:25 GMT

I live in a small studio apartment (aren't most of them small?) roughly 300 square feet not including the hall which adds at least to the feel of a larger space.

My main living space of course, while not too cramped, is limiting and I'm a little over that. Aside from moving to a larger studio or one bedroom place (which would be nice actually) I'm considering an idea to get more space from my space. If I felt like I could really stay here for at least a couple more years, I'd take the murphy bed closet that I'm using as my entertainment center and build in some shelves so I could better use the vertical space in it. The bed has long since been removed (and was in a bad location anyway as if when it was down, it would have blocked access to half the apartment) and so I just removed the doors, put in a low storage unit and parked my flat screen TV, printer and media in there. It works pretty well even if I have to run an extension cord to it for power.

So with the concept that furniture should perform at least two functions, if not more, when living in tight spaces, I'm considering the idea of building a loft/dungeon bed & sitting area. The idea started out simply as a loft bed and sitting area but hell... y'all should know me by now, and it didn't take long for me to try to get the most bondage usage I can think of out of the idea since I'd be building it myself.

I'm fortunate to have high-ish ceilings in my studio (just shy of nine feet) which is one of the reasons I'm even considering a loft bed in the first place. In thinking ahead to the possibility of moving to some place where I would then not have high ceilings, I want to be able to move the mattress from its loftier state, back down towards the floor and the bed will then just become a four poster dungeon bed sort of thing. I don't believe in our consumeristic culture's attitude if planned obsolescence. :-p

In the eventuality of the mattress being lowered, I think designing it so that I can flip it up out of the way might be a nice/fun idea as well. Shouldn't be too difficult to manage yeah?

With the mattress in the loft position (I guess I'll call it that to make things easy) it would be nice to see about using it all as a bondage frame as well. Any way you look at it, there will be a veritable multitude of bondage/attachment points to be had, no matter where the mattress is situated, but incorporating a St Andrew's cross or just being able to have a standing bondage frame would be nice. I'm just not sure if my ceilings are quite that high though.

Of course though, this all has to be pretty, especially being made from wood as I can't stand the idea of it looking like some weekend, hack project with a bad stain job. It can't immediately scream that it's a bondage bed either. Not that anyone I would currently invite into my home doesn't know something about my kink, but the random guests, landlord/maintenance visits etc, make me just concerned enough.

I know I'm going to have to design pretty much all of it myself since it's a custom thing, but I would love some ideas and input. I've poked around the net at a couple of places that sell completed bondage furniture and there's not a lot that gets my juices flowing. Nor so far, have I come across any plans that anyone might have shared. Not to say I think they're not out there, but that in half an hour's rudimentary search, I just haven't found anything yet.

This is still seriously just in the day dreaming phase. Depending upon costs of materials, availability of tools to be borrowed and my general motivation, it may or may not get beyond this point. But for now this is what has my attention all of a sudden.

Drive by blogging

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 14:59:21 GMT

Good art last night.

Nearly wasted and busy day at work before that. Went to bed early which is unusual, usually.

Woke up this morning finally, fully realizing it's Friday (woo hoo) Feeling kinda scattered since yesterday in an ADHD sorta way.

Realizing that my time of being free of glasses may be suddenly and rapidly approaching, 41 years or so without spectacles is a good run yeah?

A few pics from Chicago

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 06:11:28 GMT

Here are a few pics I took while in Chicago last week. There are more, a lot are not so interesting but there will be a couple more here and there I imagine.

I was impressed by the amount of art in that city. Or at least in the touristy areas. There are a LOT of museums and a lot of public art and it's all pretty impressive. Not just those annoying, supposedly un-offensive, amorphous, twisted hulks of metal that pass for "safe" public art which there's too much of IMHO.

I face booked enough random comments while I was out and about. Mostly about what my mood was like at any given time, especially since I was still feeling pretty wobbly from that damn cold/flu thing I had for two weeks. I learned, or was reminded, that trips like that, for me, are best when shared and that I shouldn't do them alone anymore. I got kind of lonely a few times, especially since I'm not one to usually take the first step in any sort of introductions. BUT... since it was also the Mister International Rubber contest weekend, I did manage to get to a couple of events and the guys there are mostly outgoing enough that they easily, and unwittingly compensated for my own shortcomings. ;-)

The other thing I learned? I'm too old and too perverted to be staying in hostels. I don't know WHAT the hell I was thinking going for the cheap stay that way! It was alright, especially considering it was my first time ever staying in one, but it's not something I care to repeat at this point in my life. :-p

This first image is from the underside of the Cloud Gate at Millennium Park. That was amazing. I would love to have it all to myself for long enough to take a few pictures without all the extra people around, but as an experience in itself, it was fun to see how much it delighted everyone there.

From Chicago

These next two are from the Jay Pritzker Pavilion which I'm sure any Seattlite would immediately recognize as having been designed by Frank Gehry, the same architect as Seattle's Experience Music Project color monstrosity. To this DAY I wish the EMP was ONE color.

From Chicago

And finally (for now) I just had to go for the "big city" shot. That canyon-like feeling amongst the buildings. Seattle has it's high rises and all that but I think due to the geography here, you can't get a big, long view down any of the canyon-esque downtown streets before they curve or veer off in one direction or another. Either that or having been here long enough, I don't notice them anymore, if I ever did.

From Chicago

I really wish that everyone could, or could even be mandated to travel a little early in their lives. The cliché holds true and getting out of one's comfort zone and home town really does put the world in a slightly different perspective. I wonder if it's more like a vaccination though? Something we occasionally have to do now and again to remind us and break us of our complacency.

If nothing else... it's nice to just have a change of pace once in a while. :-)

Culture shock (again)

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 03:07:56 GMT

This will be a little brief as I'm working on an iPod. I was so worn out from my cold/flu thing that I couldn't even deal with bringing my laptop with me on this trip. Thankfully all of a sudden I'm starting to feel better. Finally.

This business trip is my first of this kind, where there's a lot of social interaction with people whom I have almost nothing in common with other than some tangential work related bits. Sitting sound a dining table filled with strangers I was reminded of how "protected" I am in my current world, living amongst other social misfits and outcasts. Not that we're really misfits, but we're all definitely in a minority.

Being gay is one of those minorities. Being pierced and tattooed is another one, and not giving a rats ass about any kind of sports is yet another. Frankly, I was relieved when the topics of conversation returned to work related mundanaety (sp).

Not that this is getting mr all depressed or anything, but it IS still sort of discouraging when I realize that I have no common ground with the people that I'm surrounded by. Not on a professional level and especially not on a personal level. I could just imagine the stares and looks of disgust and disbelief that I'd receive if anyone here knew that I love & crave to be tied up, dominated and occasionally beaten upon.

I don't seek their approval but likewise I don't need to be exposed to their disapproval. Right now... a few hours in tight and controlled bondage (a sleepsack and hood perhaps) would be perfect.

Sometimes to go home and only accept orders, to know and do only what is explicitly expected of me would be a much appreciated relief. I can't always do that though which is the rub. I'm caught between two worlds... one of seeking independance and self reliance and the other of seeking total submission and service.

I doubt I will ever find a balance between the two. Yeah... it's a little depressing and frustrating as all hell but I don't mention it for sympathy and all that. It's just the same thing that I've been trying to sort out for years now.

And with that lovely note, I think it's time for me to leave the hotel lobby of this suburbian hotel and go take a bath or something.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Obama Lifts a Ban on Entry Into U.S. by H.I.V.-Positive People

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 04:13:39 GMT

Something feels like progress. Now I can feel that certain amount of shame and disgust about the U.S.' discrimination towards people with HIV/Aids be lifted a little.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/10/31/us/politics/31travel.html

President Obama on Friday announced the end of a 22-year ban on travel to the United States by people who had tested positive for the virus that causes AIDS, fulfilling a promise he made to gay advocates and acting to eliminate a restriction he said was “rooted in fear rather than fact."

Good news Bad news

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 23:55:21 GMT

Bad news: My cold/flu has given me a sinus & budding ear infection to go along with it.
Good news: I have yet another round of antibiotics to address it.

Good news: I've mustered up the strength to do some laundry & discovered that my apartment building has new front loader laundry machines.
Bad news: being new, they come with a higher price tag. :-(
Good news: Being front loaders I can CRAM almost two normal laods into 'em, which kinda offsets the higher price.

Good news: To do some self care/comfort food, I have scoop & bake chocolate chip cookies!
Bad news: My stuffy nose means that I can barely taste 'em.

Good news: Maybe it's delirium speaking because while I still feel ookey and have no reason to think otherwise, I feel oddly optimistic at times that I'll be feeling better soonish.

Better be... I have serious plans for Halloween involving blue duct tape and idiot comic heroes!

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Halloween means... Spoon!!!

Sun, 25 Oct 2009 22:33:25 GMT

So... in the hopes that I won't be Typhoid Mary or otherwise still sicker than a dog by Halloween... anyone know where I can find some bright blue duct tape, or barring duct tape, any bright blue packing/book binding tape etc in Seattle? A friend and I are determined to have me go as a duct taped version of The Tick. :-p

Modern tech is good

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 05:12:00 GMT

The beauty of technology is that I can be soaking in a nice hot bath tub, trying to fend off getting sick and vegging out on line with an iPod Touch.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Meaning

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 04:53:32 GMT

Once upon a time I had a realization that, for me at least, if I repeat a word enough, it ceases to be a word with meaning and it becomes just a collection of noises. Even if I just repeat it a few times in my head. Some words lose their meaning faster than others. I'm not sure why that is. Maybe it's something phonetic or maybe it's because the meaning of the repeated word has a stronger... meaning, and it holds on better. Try it sometime. Pick any old word and repeat it a few times. It won't take long before it sounds funny. If you're saying it out loud, you might even start having difficulty pronouncing correctly as it turns into a super simple tongue twister.

The.

The the the the the the the the the.

Anything. It works.

I thought of all this as I was once again staring at my red and swollen thumb tonight. I think it's actually improving. It's still swollen but is producing less... fluid (eew) and the tingling has largely subsided. But being something as accessible as a thumb I get to look at it a lot. A lot more than say, those annoying oddities that occasionally crop up on your elbow or on the back side of some body part. I can plop my hand in front of me and stare quite contentedly at my poor afflicted digit. Being in a swollen and reddened state doesn't help keep things looking proper either. But after starting at it enough it started looking a little alien. Disconnected. Just this stubby roundish thing protruding from the end of my hand. I think about it, and it moves according to my wishes without much thought with the exception of trying not to stress it right now. But the more I look at my opposable appendage which sets us apart from the majority of the animal kingdom, the stranger it looks to me. As if it's become too long, or too rounded. Too smooth. Well... thanks to the swelling it's too smooth at least.

I wonder if that's how or why some people get obsessed with one body part or another, often disparaging it? "Oh.. I have ugly feet" or "My nose is crooked" or "I hate my ass". We've all heard those complaints when not offering our own. Too much self examination leading only to self alienation. Hm... There's a thought. Maybe it's just too much self objectification.

My thumb still has meaning. And it has its uses. Poor battered thing it is right now though. It certainly has enough of my attention. At least until it's all better and I can go back to my wasteful days of standing around with it up my ass.

WTF?

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 20:01:29 GMT

As I was waiting to be seen by a nurse after being seated in a screening room at urgent care for an infection in my thumb, I was getting bits & pieces of conversation from the guy on the other side of the curtain. While I was admittedly not privvy to what was discussed before I arrived, I found myself myself asking this snarky question: "Who goes to urgent care asking/demanding to be out of here On a schedule?"

Dude... Unless you're the president, you're just not that important.

[update] This explains it... Dude is a lawyer.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Costumes...

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 20:45:34 GMT

So the other day while repetitively repeating instructions at work I think I decided to be a nun for Halloween at work. But it has to be a kick ass, bitchin' habit. :-) And I'll need a yard stick I think, to terrorize everyone with.

During lunch, I found this crazy look which has Sally Fields' Flying Nun beat. But it's a bit much for the workplace. I DO want something wing-like though for sure.

I also want to make it a little scary. Well... a little scar<i>ier</i> what since my bearded face will be poking out through the thing. I DID come across a nun with an eye patch as a possibility. Maybe a demon's mask? Or better yet, a zombie! Zombie Nuns, mmm.....

Travellin'

Wed, 30 Sep 2009 16:51:54 GMT

So it appears I will be visiting Chicago Nov 4-5 for work this fall. Do I know anyone in Chicago?

Underwater Ninja Tiger

Tue, 29 Sep 2009 18:07:46 GMT

Some days it might be safer to just stay home

Epic Sex

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 20:25:45 GMT

THAT got your attention now didn't it?

Uh huh.

I was having dinner with a friend last night and he let loose upon me the expression of "epic sex". As in "he's had epic sex" and it got me wondering. When was the last time I myself HAD epic sex? Of even IF I've had epic sex, can I look back on something and say that, "Yes, yes that was epic sex indeed."

I dunno. I'm really thinking about this now. There was GOOD sex. Sex where I forgot how to use my words (love that) and so-so sex. Sex that maybe shouldn'ta happened...

When was the last time YOU had "epic sex"? Would that be biblical somehow? hmm...

[Update] I think I could say that I've had epic sex. Not in the usual "get it in, get it off, get it out" sense but yeah. The most memorable occasion that comes to mind was many years ago, when I found out just how amazingly my nipples were wired. A guy I knew was just an expert at it. I sat on his lap facing him and what must have been for at least half an hour he teased and tortured my tits perfectly. I was a drooling mess. Unable to use my words (that's become one of my qualifications for epic sex I think) and I would have killed for him at that point. I've been subjected to other really good nipple play since then, but I think he was the best. He set a standard that no one else has measured up to ever again.

Sometimes it's what's left behind that's more interesting

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 23:27:11 GMT

From Playground

Just one of those random thoughts

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 22:58:38 GMT

I kind of like the way, or the idea of this hard edged looking building towering out of a forest...

From Snapshots

Clearing out the crap

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 22:48:15 GMT

A couple of weeks ago I finally got the chance to clear out some of the floppies my former manager at work was holding on to for no good reason whatsoever. I mean really... there were still 5 1/4" floppies in that mess, and of course, there was NO machine anywhere in the building that could even take them.

Since then though, unfortunately I've not had the chance to get back to any more cleaning up. I seriously need to untangle the mess he left the network closet/cables in after he apparently needed to trouble shoot some failure before I went back to work there. It's UGLY.

I may have to get these...

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 01:10:03 GMT

Although if I had a guest bathroom, it would be even better.

The sum of our parts

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 05:51:31 GMT

It's been said by wiser people than I that we are the sum total of our experiences.

The things that have happened to us in our lives, the opportunities, the pitfalls, the mistakes and the successes. Our choices and reactions because of those things. Our actions. These things make us who we are... to ourselves. No one can know us as intimately as we know ourselves. Or at least as we should know ourselves.

But what about to others? Who are each of us to someone else?

It varies depending upon our relationship with that other person. We're the irritated customer on the other end of the phone, that nice couple that tipped the waiter so generously, the coworker with the annoying habit who talks too much, or not at all. We're the friend that other people do stuff with, we're the confidant of others who feel safe enough with us to share their deepest, most private thoughts. Lover, stranger. New boyfriend or someone best forgotten.

To others, we're not quite the sum total of our experiences anymore. It's more, and less than that. We all act differently with different people. Talk and joke about different things. We're both who we are with that other person, and we're who we choose to share with them, what we let them see. Add one more level to that... we're also who that other person is able to perceive us to be. Either someone they can understand, or something that they need.

How many times have people said they thought they knew someone else? How many of those people though, were blind to what was really there and how many were either led astray or more simply, were just never given the chance to actually know the other person?

As much as we might like to believe of those most important to us, we can't read each others' minds, we can't know someone else better than they do. Usually.

By sharing our stories with each other one could argue that it's a form of legacy, of immortality in that we live on in people's memories, but really, that's short lived as well. In as little as one or two generations, we might at best, be some amusing anecdotal story told during a round of drinks. I think that it's about being open and being present. Willing to take the risk as scary as that might be. Being honest with ourselves.

I'm just turning it over, seeing how it feels actually. Of all things to inspire such introspection, I've been watching some shows recently that at first didn't seem to have anything in common but all of a sudden, I saw sort of this connection. It's like art, we see what bring to the art ourselves, not necessarily what the artist intended. In this I see the end of things, I see the beginnings and the potential. I see my fears and those of others. I see the warnings and I see the rewards. It's an interesting sense of connection somehow.

None of it's really all that new though, it's just coming together again in different ways.